


Elasticity

by Tabithian



Series: Light the Path [50]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabithian/pseuds/Tabithian
Summary: ".... So, uh, hypothetically speaking, how pissed do you think Bruce will be if it turns out I'm not human?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: .... So, uh, hypothetically speaking, how pissed do you think Bruce will be if it turns out I'm not human?" from Aniseandspearmint on Tumblr.

".... So, uh, hypothetically speaking, how pissed do you think Bruce will be if it turns out I'm not human?" 

 

Jason pauses the security video he borrowed earlier that day for reasons that have nothing to do with a personal vendetta having to do with a tow-truck driver and Jason's bike, and just looks at Dick.

“Well,” Jason says, like he's actually giving any sort of thought to his answer because honestly, what the hell? “That's hard to say. Depends on how much trouble you've caused him lately, really.”

And Dick? For all that he's the supposed golden child of the family, he's also a total shit, so.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dick says, forgetting about things like boundaries and personal space as he scoots closer to Jason on the couch, like they're besties. “I get that, I do, but seriously, Jason. On a scale of one to ten, how pissed?”

Jason doesn't know where this came from or why, just that no matter what, Dick has always had an almost supernatural ability to annoy the hell out of anyone if he just tries hard enough. Maybe that's it.

“Dick, what the fuck brought this on?”

Not that Jason cares, really, just. Why him?

“Okay, so,” Dick says, leaning in. “There's a possibility – very slight, mind you – that something popped up at my annual checkup.”

Jason's just going to go ahead and ignore the obvious joke there because Dick's making it too damn easy, and it feels unsporting.

“Oh, God,” Jason says, trying to get away from him. “Please tell me it's not contagious.”

Dick rolls his eyes and reaches out to catch Jason around the neck with an arm, something that might, from a certain perspective, be a hug and _not_ a headlock. (It is, though. It so is, and Dick's lucky Jason can't muster up the energy to do something about it right now.)

“Ew, no, you jerk, just. You know. Not normal?”

As if Dick was ever anything but.

“Dick,” Jason says, long-suffering as possible. “You know how this goes, right? Whatever it is, Bruce throws one of his hissy fits, we all call him on his bullshit and get Alfred to knock some sense into him. Everything blows over in what, a week, two at most?”

Maybe a gross oversimplification, but seriously. When doesn't it work that way? Bruce is a melodramatic idiot, they all know this. It's not a surprise at this point.

“You think?”

Seriously, why him? There are so many other people in this madhouse Dick could have picked to share this little crisis with, but no. He chose Jason. 

“Did you fill out the form?” Jason asks, since Dick doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. “I know Tim made it up as joke, but he brought up some valid points.”

Enough of the people in their community end up being controlled against their will that Tim got tired of having to ask the same things over and over again – amazing, really – and created a form to deal with that kind of situation. 

Again, it was a _joke_ , and yet most major superhero teams have taken to keeping a stack of them in case of emergency. 

Simple questions, check yes, no, or maybe, that kind of thing.

Do you feel like your usual self? Are you feeling a sudden urge to cackle maniacally to yourself regarding a clever plot or devious scheme you've devised? Have you devised a clever plot or scheme that requires maniacal laughter? If so, does it require a window as a backdrop with dramatically timed lightning? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, see form 3b, and so on and so on because Tim is a goddamn weirdo who's been in this line of work too long.

If Dick fills the stupid thing out now, it might trim down the length of time Bruce will be in a snit over whatever the hell is going on with Dick.

“Yeah,” Dick says. “Didn't need 3b, though. That's always good, right?”

In theory, sure. 

“Yeah, why not?” Jason says. “Congrats on that one, Dick. I'll tell Tim to put a sticker up on the board for you.”

Whoever goes an entire year without being mind controlled or possessed or otherwise fucked up gets free pizza. No one's gotten it yet, but there's still hope one of them will be able reach that lofty goal some day.

“I feel you're not taking this seriously,” Dick says, and pokes Jason's cheek. “That's hurtful, Jason. Here I am baring my soul to you, and you're making light of the situation.”

Okay, first of all, Jason never asked for this. He was just using the Cave's computers to find out what asshole has a hate on for his bike that the fucker tows it the moment he sees it, not deal with Dick and his crisis of the week, thanks.

“Bite me,” Jason snaps.

Dick _hmms_ , and then says, “Funny you should say that, because you know - “

“No,” Jason says. “No.”

He's here to find the asshole who hates his bike so they can have a little chat, that's all. No need to find out whatever secret Dick's discovered about himself, no. Jason doesn't need that kind of drama in his life right now, thanks.

“If it's not going to blow up in everyone's faces, just put it in the damn newsletter with everything else, I'm serious.”

Dick must get that Jason's serious because he loosens his hug – _headlock_ – and slumps against Jason, dropping his head against his shoulder. 

Jason, foolishly, hopes that's the end of Dick's freak-out, but of course it's not, because this is Dick,and Bruce is an asshole who gets them all tied up in knots over the stupidest shit possible.

“...Think he'll be pissed though?”

_Christ._

“Hey,” Jason says, jerking his shoulder up to get Dick's attention, and, sure, be a bit of an asshole himself while he's at it. “Alfred can take him, okay? Stop worrying.”

Dick makes a face like, hey, wow, no, no worry here!, but he's always been shit a faking that kind of thing to people who know better.

“Knock it off, idiot.”

If for some reason Alfred can't get Bruce to pull his head out of his ass fast enough, the rest of them will, problem solved.

“Anyone ever tell you you're not so bad, Jason?” Dick asks, like Jason won't smack him for it. “Just a big old, cuddly teddy bear at heart.”

Jason doesn't kill these days, but for Dick he's willing to make an exception. 

“Jason?”

“You have until the count of five,” Jason says, nice and calm, slightest hint of threat in there to let Dick know he's serious. “Better get moving.”


End file.
